So, I'm here, awake, at an ungodly hour of the night. why? do you you ask? well, let me tell you. I won't go into detail, because it's none of your damn business, but it has to do w/ my family, and my brother. I'm sure he'll be ok. It's just weird right now, I feel weird, and i think i have to poo, but i'm not sure. i'm freezing my ass off right now, but for some reason, I don't really care. and the odd thing is, i was tired, like, two hours ago, and now, I know that I couldn't sleep if i tried. i used that dandruff shampoo, as directed, tonight, and it was awesome. It was like putting vapor rub on my head, except not so gooey, and I did it twice like it said, and it said to do it twice a week, so I think i'll reserve it for tuesday and thursday. I need to get my life straight. My brother has been the best role model, except in a backward manner. He's the one you look up to when you want to know what not to do. I love my brother a lot, and we've been through some shit, and now he's going through some shit, i just hope he recovers. I know he'll be ok, physically, but the way he is, he just shuts himself down to the world. From him, I derive all knowledge, a lot of my opinions, I find, I base on his. I hate to admit it, but in a lot of ways, we are alike. but then again, in a lot of ways we're different. I wish I could talk to bernadette right now, but I know calling her would be pointless. i guess it's not that big of a deal anyway. I just feel like shit right now. I don't often think about what my brother has done for me, usually I think about what he's put me through and the negatives. But when you weigh it out, he's done more good than bad to me. he's taught me a lot. I could almost call him my idol. he'll be down on sunday to see the show. maybe it'll help take his mind off of stuff. who knows. It'll be good to see him, and my mom again. I need to talk to her, since I never call her. You never really know how much you care for people until they're not there anymore. The truest thing in the world. that's why i constantly tell bernadette how i feel about her, and let her know in any way possible that i feel that way, because, what if, tommorow, I'm not there, or she's not there, or something happens that makes it impossible for us to be together? On tuesday, we will have been dating for seven months, that's more than twice as long as i've ever dated anyone. I'm easily annoyed by people. that's just my character. but she doesn't annoy me. when I think about it, she's my drive. She's the reason I want to be good at stuff, anything, as long as it makes me better for her. people don't understand us. we're so in love, that we look like friends, but there's something so much deeper involved. when i think about it, i know, i could live with her, every day, for the rest of my life, and nothing would make me happier. I could die poor, cripple and blind, but if she was with me, i would feel fulfilled. it's kind of odd how easy things get lost. especially important things. oh sure, you can remember that you left your pack of gum on the counter, but your shoes are never anywhere to be found. its the same way with everything, you can lose track of time, you can forget people who were vital in getting you to where you are now, and through it all, you just keep building a huge pile of regrets. the list almost never ends...kind of like this entry. i think i'll kill this dead journal, and end this entry. and for those of you who don't read very closely, no, my brother's not dead, nobody died.